The skills of good arguments.

Everyday we lead conversations and negotiations with internal or external partners and most important with our loved ones as well. Different interests, expectations & skills influence the outcomes. Here are some thoughts on the skills of good arguments.

Argument is and has always been one of my favorite pastimes. It`s an effective tool in the development of the thought process. I have won every argument. Remember, that you never loose an argument! What you can lose is your temper and that is where our friend “ego” comes into play. An argument when viewed in this perspective, is stimulating, but then, when do we argue?

Be open for new thoughts
The most interesting argument is when you are not sure of the position that you have taken. Then you pit your thoughts against the views of others. You let in fresh thoughts and ideas, open up and correct your stand when required. The most satisfying is when you end up being able to take a stand.

I like arguing with my children. I do it all the time, sometimes you need to provoke just for the fun of it. It is also an opportunity for them to confront you on the rules you have laid down for them. I give them the challenge that if they convince me on the unfairness of the rules, these will be amended or abolished. It gives them a feeling of being on an equal footing.

Don’t argue on core values
What you should not argue is on your core values. Honesty, integrity, God and such issues. As long as you don't intend to change your core values, argument on these matters does not bring in additional benefits. Then, what do you do when you hear a comment like "there is no point in being honest in life"? The way I respond is, make a small remark or joke and test the waters. Most of the time, the person is hurt or has had a bad experience. Then you draw him or her into a lively conversation and leave them in a better mood than before.

On the other hand, if you receive a very sharp retort or you are convinced that it is his/her core value, back off. You cannot help each other.

Don’t force your point of view
I generally avoid arguments to force my point of view. My point of view is based on my experiences. To think that your point of view is better than someone else's means you have a small imp sitting on your shoulder. Our friend ego. The same is the case, if you feel an urge to argue just to show off your knowledge. The visitor on your shoulder is still there.

To argue is sometimes better than to give advice
When someone is close to you and you find they have trends, which are in your opinion negative or impeding their progress and thoughts, then you should argue. I find it better than giving advice. When you give advice, you are sitting on a little pedestal. Argument then, is on a more equal footing and you can use it to gently guide your loved one to a different line of thought. It can also be applied effectively to your subordinates in the office.

Our opinions can and should change
In the book "Freedom at Midnight", Larry Collins and Dominique Lapierre states, Mahatma Gandhi sometimes changes his stand. When confronted, he would give a toothless smile and say “That was last week”. Our opinions can and should change, not core values.

You can learn from every argument
Firmly believe that you win every argument. You learn something from every argument. If you have gained something from an argument, how could you have lost it? If you play by the rules of the game, argument is every time a win-win situation.



“Never, ever argue, when your friend is paying for the drinks!”